When I was in high school, I had a master plan for my life. And against my better judgment and at risk of humiliation, I'm gonna share it with you. I was gonna:
go to college
This list is completely embarrassing, but really and truly what I thought/wanted to happen. In reality, I accomplished only two of these things that were SO important to me. Life happened, things changed, and my life went down a completely different road.
Meanwhile, a year into college, I hated every minute. I was burnt out and done with classes. So I made the hardest decision of my life and did not return to school. Around this same time, my best guy friend and I decided (two weeks before he moved three hours away) that we were meant for each other. Again, I went into planning mode. We talked about our life together, our plan for making it work when things were tough, our wedding, our kids, everything. I was pleased to have something to look forward to again since my school life had gone to shambles. And guess what? Those things never happened either. He and I are meant to have a life together, just not in a romantic manner. So back to the drawing board again...
Around this same time, I got a new job since school was no longer in the picture. I worked at the bank for a couple months when I was moved to a different location and fell in love. I absolutely loved my job, my coworkers, and my boss. I thought I had found my calling in life-to work in customer service in the banking industry. I stayed in my position as a teller for about two years when I decided I was ready to move up in the bank food chain. I applied and interviewed for several positions to no avail. I was crushed. Yet again, my plans seemed to not be coming together like I wanted.
In October 2009, I started having a quarter life crisis as I like to call it. I was unhappy in my position at work, but couldn't seem to find another one. I wasn't sure anymore that banking was what I wanted to do anyway. I wanted something more flexible and more creative. I knew that going back to my original dream of being an educator and back to school full time was the best way to make this happen. I was terrified though after working full time for three years about going back to the college lifestyle and mostly, not having any money, insurance, friends, etc.
I mulled this over for about five days when we were told to stay after work for an important meeting. In this meeting, I found out that my branch was closing and that I could potentially not have a job. Now, most NORMAL people would have been horrified. I, however, was relieved. This was the sign I needed to let me know school was the right thing. I still didn't know how I would make it happen, I didn't know what I would do, but I knew it was what I had to do. So for the first time ever, I went after something I wanted not knowing what the heck was gonna happen.
I guess I've just been conditioned to think that I have to know exactly what's gonna happen in my life. I'm not really sure how or why I think this way, but I certainly do it. After thinking back to these particular events, I've come to the realization that plans turn south more often than not for me. I set my expectations high and then am let down. I worry so much about long term, that I'm missing out on fun and happiness in the here and now. So, the plan now is to have no plan. To live everyday thinking about that day. I don't know what's gonna happen in my life. I don't know where I'm gonna be in a year, a month, anything. But THAT'S OK!!
Its a journey that I am scared about. But one that I think is gonna be beneficial in the long run. So wish me luck!!
You continue to remind me of myself... I was a big planner too. I had planned on getting married, getting pregnant, and having the most precious little chicken ever..... We both know how that turned out. Four years and two chickens later, life isn't exactly how I thought it'd be. I know we aren't too far off in age difference, but at this point in our lives it's amazing how much just a couple of years can do for someone. Regardless of how you plan it, life happens --- It's AWESOME that way. Once you realize that you can't control everything you will be much better off for it. I had to just finally sit down and say "alright - obviously the ball isn't in my court here" and just let life happen. I know, based on our fb connection, that you also concern yourself with what others think and making everyone happy----- THIS is something that took me years to let go of, but I finally realized that my priorities were screwed up and that my family and MYSELF come before anyone else's FEELINGS.
ReplyDeleteAnyways --- I know, speech alert ---- BUT, I wanted you to know that you aren't alone. It's hard to throw your hands up in the air and just let life happen, but once you do you will be so glad!