The Lost Voice

I've started blog post after blog post in the past few weeks. And I couldn't think of anything to say. I'm not trying to call my little ole blog real "writing", but the only way I can explain this is old fashioned writer's block. I've been super busy, and even more stressed out. So I guess a loss of words is to be expected. Luckily, my life is settling down and I've actually had some time to myself to read and reflect and do some things that I want to do. During this me time, I started reading Eat Pray Love and felt a real connection to Elizabeth Gilbert's story. Here's a particular quote that I felt drawn to.

"If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time-everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."
From Eat Pray Love

In the story, Liz is referring to a (or any really) relationship with a man. How she gets completely wrapped up in him. While I may not have a man to invest in, I do have lots of other people that have this same effect on me. My family, my friends, anyone that I meet that I think needs help. I'm a giver, much like Liz, but to a fault. I say that because I often times forget what I want, or what I need, or what I should be doing because I'm worried about/obsessed with/more concerned about what everyone else wants, needs, or should be doing.

I feel an extreme amount of guilt when I do something for myself. I feel like I have some many amazing people that help me out, and support me. And to do something just for me that might put them out or upset them is something I have a really hard time doing. That is for sure not normal and certainly not healthy. I'm trying to grow and to teach myself that it's ok to do something just because I want to. I'm not talking about buying a fancy bag or expensive makeup, cause we ALL know I have that down pat. But important things like moving to another state or city, and living my life the way I want to live it-not just in the cookie cutter way that everyone else around me does. Liz had a serious breakdown and divorce in order to come to the realization that she has to do things for herself. Hopefully, I can avoid that, at least that's what I'm gonna try.

So my goal now is to learn to say no. To become happy with myself, just the way I am. And to wait for the day that I can wake up and know I get to do exactly what I want today.