Last Christmas...

The scheduling of this holiday season has been on my mind a lot lately. You see, last year, I had a whirlwind Christmas with many places to visit. It's like a festival more than a holiday really. Lots of places to go and people to see. But with all the changes that have happened in my family in the past couple of months and with my friends' families throughout the year, this Christmas is gonna be a lot different. Not nearly as many places to go. Not as many people to see. And while I should be relieved because I'm usually worn out by the end of it, I can't help but to be a little sad.

I don't adapt well to change. And recently nothing but different has been thrown at me. I'm trying my hardest to go with the flow, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job if I do say so myself. But it's just hard. To think about the holidays--a time that should be nothing but happy--and feel sad. This is something that I've got to come to terms with. There's nothing that will make it magically be back to "normal"-This is the new normal.

Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas time and am looking forward to having some quality time with those that I will spend it with this year. It's just hard.

A Year in Review

As the year draws to a close, I've been thinking back about that's happened in what seems like the shortest year ever. So I thought I should catalog it all. Here goes:


Boyfriends Lost: 1
Concerts Rescheduled: 1
Jobs Lost: 1
Colleges Started (again): 1
Holidays Spent Alone: All of them
Firemen Lusted After: 1 in real life, many on Rescue Me
Hearts Broken: 1 and a half
Spring Breaks: 1 but it was fun enough to last a lifetime
Boat Boyfriends Found: 1
Friends Made: Too Many to Count
Awesome Birthday Parties Thrown: 1, My Own!
Showers Thrown: 3
Best Friends Weddings: 2
Hours of Class Taken: 42
Vacations with Family: 1
Bachelorette Parties Attended: 2
Trips to Knoxville: Not completely sure, but a lot.
Football Games Attended: Again, not completely sure, but a lot.
Sweet Kisses from Nephew: Not enough!
Cousin Meetings: 10+
Hours Spent on the Phone with Nicole: Plenty
Tears Cried: Too Many
Disappointments: Too Many
Advice Received: Not enough
Speeches Given and Cried Through: 2
Weight Gained: 10 lbs
Weight Lost: 9.9 lbs
Floods Lived Through: 1
Cities Fallen in Love With: 2
Cocktails Had: One too many
Bouquets Caught: 2
Fun Time with Hunter and Gage: Lots!
Puppies Loved: All of them
Blessings Received: More than I deserve.


Thanks to everyone that has made my year great.

Today Is the Day.

Sometimes you get to a point in your life you never hoped to see. Sometimes people make choices with no regard to the consequences they will face and will have a lack of regard for the impact those choices make on everyone else. I feel like most everyone has come into contact with all of these things. I am no different. I am no better because I'm sure I've been on the sending side of these transgressions at some time or another as well as the receiving side. I, however, hope that I have learned a lesson from my mistakes and can grow from them here and now.

Perfection is what I strive for. It's conflicting, though, because I know no one will ever be perfect. It's hard for me to not hold people to a high standard because of my passion for perfection. I try to consider that I nor anyone else will ever be perfect. We are all just human and will make mistakes most everyday of our lives whether they be big or small. I get that. What I don't get though, is how we as humans can be faced with evidence of our mistakes and deny to ourselves and to others that they are, in fact, very much a mistake. Again, I know I'm guilty, but I'm frustrated by it.

I've said many times before that I'm not a maternal person. I don't think that I have the mom gene. But lately, I have given myself some credit. I've seen lots of examples lately of the right choices I've made with others in mind. Those others are children that can't make choices like these for themselves. I'm proud of myself for the growth in that area and also that maybe I'm a little bit closer to the perfection that I strive for.

As I started this post, sometimes you get to a place in your life that you never thought you'd be in. Sometimes you have to walk away from that place. It's not easy. It's not pleasant. But it's the right thing to do. Sometimes you've got to walk away. Today is that day.

Christmas List!

I love Christmas. And I REALLY love making a Christmas List! We always make them at my grandma's house on Thanksgiving but I can never think of what to put on it when I'm on the spot. So here are some things I'd like this year and links to where you can buy them! Some might think this is rude. I, however, think it's considerate. Shopping at the click of a button my friends!

Charms for my Pandora Bracelet


Hangin' Out Wristlet in Night and Day

The History of Mathematics: An Introduction Ok I know that seems weird, but college books are expensive!

Exceptional Children: An Introduction to Special EducationAnd again, I know. These are my most expensive books for the semester!

Old Navy Women's The Sweetheart Boot-Cut Jeans Size 12Tall in a dark washReally, I like most any pant from Old Navy. The key is the rise- The Sweetheart. Love it. And TALL!


Old Navy Women's Perfect Khakis 12Tall in Rawhide


Glee Albums




Donkey Kong Country Returns (Nintendo Wii)

Women's Mossimo Supply Co. Kamisse Cuffed Slouch Boots - Grey Size 9.5

Kodak EasyShare C183 14MP Digital Camera Bundle Includes 2AA Rechargeable Batteries, Wall Charger, and Neoprene Case, 3x Zoom, 3" LCD, One Button Upload in Red

Ok, I think that's probably enough. As we all know, I like cardigans, anything red, Coach Bags, Raybans, shoes, Alabama. You all know the general things. Hope this list makes everyone's life much easier :)

Can't Choose Just ONE!

My sweet not so baby nephew is almost 2! I can't believe it. Seems like yesterday I was jumping out of my chair and racing to the hospital. So since he's almost a big boy now, I figured it was time to update his picture on my blog. Lucky for me, his mommy just took him for a little 2 year old photo shoot with the great people at Portrait Innovations. They've always done his pictures and have never failed to please. As I looked through them, I fell more and more in love with his precious little face. So naturally, I couldn't decide on just ONE! So here are some of my favs... Enjoy!

Future Football Star!






Such a cutie right!? Love him to death. Happy Birthday Pumpkin Pie!!

Bittersweet.

This weekend brought on an end and a beginning in the lives of two of my cousins. Yesterday was Treavor's last high school football game. While he didn't get to play because of an unfortunate injury, it was still pretty hard for me to accept that it was really over. We all know of my partial feelings for Treavor. And football has been one of our greatest common interests. I've enjoyed watching him play ball for over ten years and to know that I probably will never see him play again is a little rough...



But luckily, the end of his football career came directly at the beginning of Whitley's time with dance. I danced for many years long ago and was really excited when Whitley decided to join the dance team at school. Today was her first competition, and it was SO FUN! Brought me back to my olden days of dance recitals complete with sponge rollers and crazy makeup. Her team did AWESOME! They won first place AND were grand champions in the school team division. So proud of her and so excited to have something to hopefully bond a little more with her over.














Not a great video, but you get the idea. They were great!

Best of the Blog

In hopes of renewing my writing spirit, I went through to find my fav posts. Hope you like re-reading them as much as I have!

High/Low/High 1.0

New Plan? No Plan!

Day 1. Your Best Friend

Shane

Kids. Kids! Kids?

Day 23. Last Person You Kissed

Day 7. Your Ex

Ok, so there were quite a few. Sorry!

The Lost Voice

I've started blog post after blog post in the past few weeks. And I couldn't think of anything to say. I'm not trying to call my little ole blog real "writing", but the only way I can explain this is old fashioned writer's block. I've been super busy, and even more stressed out. So I guess a loss of words is to be expected. Luckily, my life is settling down and I've actually had some time to myself to read and reflect and do some things that I want to do. During this me time, I started reading Eat Pray Love and felt a real connection to Elizabeth Gilbert's story. Here's a particular quote that I felt drawn to.

"If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time-everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."
From Eat Pray Love

In the story, Liz is referring to a (or any really) relationship with a man. How she gets completely wrapped up in him. While I may not have a man to invest in, I do have lots of other people that have this same effect on me. My family, my friends, anyone that I meet that I think needs help. I'm a giver, much like Liz, but to a fault. I say that because I often times forget what I want, or what I need, or what I should be doing because I'm worried about/obsessed with/more concerned about what everyone else wants, needs, or should be doing.

I feel an extreme amount of guilt when I do something for myself. I feel like I have some many amazing people that help me out, and support me. And to do something just for me that might put them out or upset them is something I have a really hard time doing. That is for sure not normal and certainly not healthy. I'm trying to grow and to teach myself that it's ok to do something just because I want to. I'm not talking about buying a fancy bag or expensive makeup, cause we ALL know I have that down pat. But important things like moving to another state or city, and living my life the way I want to live it-not just in the cookie cutter way that everyone else around me does. Liz had a serious breakdown and divorce in order to come to the realization that she has to do things for herself. Hopefully, I can avoid that, at least that's what I'm gonna try.

So my goal now is to learn to say no. To become happy with myself, just the way I am. And to wait for the day that I can wake up and know I get to do exactly what I want today.

Precious, Precious, Precious. Full-Force, Full-Force, Full-Force.

WEDDING! AHH!

Wow. I cannot believe that W-Day is really this close. Seems like yesterday I was blowing Barrett's phone up waiting (impatiently) for him to JUST DO IT! Now we are about two weeks away from the BIG BIG DAY! The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of showers. His family, mine, couples, her family. Whew. Lots of presents for Nicole and Barrett, lots of present writing down and bow coordinating for me!

This week is another exciting one. Yesterday afternoon, I picked up some missing odds and ends for my biggest responsibility-THE BACHELORETTE PARTY! I had what I will call a day of debauchery, visiting several stores that I would normally not frequent... Today, I'm shopping with fellow bridesmaid Charli and preparing food and, um, other things, for the party Saturday. Tomorrow, I'll be heading out to West End to attend a dress fitting-YAY!

How cute will we be in these tanks?!
Then Saturday is MY big day! Since Nicole asked me to be the MOH, I have felt compelled to give her the most amazing and fun "last fling" she could ever imagine. I'm trying not to hype it up too much in my mind so it doesn't have such high expectations to live up to, but seriously. That's really hard not to do! Aside from it being Nicole's last night out as a free woman, it will also be the first time the Fab Five (Nicole, Julie, Jessie, Charli, and myself) have all been together in a REAAAAAALY long time. So how can that not be epic?!? I won't divulge the plans, just in case we get a little crazy HA, but I will tell you that we will be painting the town pink!

I've said it before and I will say it again, I am so honored to be a part of Nicole's special day and all the events leading up to it. She has gone out of her way to include me and to welcome me to any and all events, big or small. Her family has been so kind to me and accepting. I just can't tell you how important that is to me.

15 days and counting!!

Ugggoooohh-prah!

I'm not really sure how this is gonna turn out. I've been watching Oprah regularly this season for the first time in my life-better late than never I always say. And I'm torn. You see, I've always thought so highly of her. She started with nothing and moved her way to the top. She's worked hard and given so many women a role model and inspiration. But as I've been watching this season, I find myself annoyed and angry. Does being a multi-millionaire mean that you know EVERYTHING? Cause it sure seems like Oprah thinks so.

I appreciate the attention Oprah has drawn to our education systems throughout the US, however, it seems to me that she is vilifying public schools and public school teachers. She is all for charter schools, which in my opinion, are a waste of resources. Today, I watched the episode with Tony Danza and his "second career" as a 10th Grade English teacher in Philadelphia (this is a whole different story of something I'm torn on, but we'll skip that for now). Tony was telling how hard it is to teach. Oprah, of course, started talking about bad teachers this and that. What I don't think she realizes is TEACHING IS NOT EASY! A lot of people, Oprah included, feel like any-ole-body could walk into a classroom and just start teaching kids how to divide and multiply. This assumption, my friends, is wrong. And because Oprah is on national television GLORIFYING IT, people all over America who don't have the sense to think for themselves are gonna believe that too.

Stepping down from soap box now...

Oprah gives advice to people about relationships. Um, did I miss something? Cause last time I checked, she's never been married. And certainly has no children. She gives advice about our national education system. Has she ever worked in a classroom before? And I'm not talking pay to build one, I mean go in and WORK. My thing is, I'm good at baking. I know how to bake and do it quite well if I do say so myself. I could give advice on baking or whip you up something delicious to eat at the word go. So why, WHY I ask, would I start giving advice about, say, brain surgery. Seems a little silly right? Maybe we should remember that when we are taking advice for Oprah or anyone that's a little less than qualified.

Ok. I'm OVER That Thing...

Yeah. Title pretty much sums up my feelings on the 30 Days of Posting Business. It was fun at first and nice to have topics to write about. But as the days went by, the topics got more lame and more repetitive, and I just can't do it anymore. Not to mention, I'm sure you fine folks are DYING to know what's going on with me!! So I won't keep you in suspense any longer...

Let's see. I don't even remember when I posted on my own accord last. Seriously, I just had to look back to know. Since August 25, I have been running non-stop. I haven't had a free weekend, and won't until after Thanksgiving. I'll give you a week by week break down to the best of my memory.

Week of August 29- This week my mom and Jim, Aunt Deana, the Ballard's, and the Head's (Nicole's mom and dad) went to Cabo and left me here with approximately 8000 dogs and children. Not really, but close. I had Charlie, Piper, Scarlett, Lizzie, Kaiya, and Whitley and Treavor. FULL HOUSE to say the least. That week was mostly filled with dog poop and paper writing. Again, I NEVER want to be a single mom. It's so stressful! Nonetheless, we made it through the week. I was supposed to go to Knoxville that weekend for my annual Labor Day/Boomsday fun. Unfortunately, my trip was cancelled as Jason's grandmother passed away. He came home that Tuesday and she passed Thursday. I went with him for visitation and funeral and just tried to be there for him as best I could. It was a little on the awkward side because that's kind of a girlfriend move, ya know? And I'm not his girlfriend. But I wanted to be there if he wanted me to, so on we went. It was nice to spend time with that side of his family. I had never met most of them, but they were kind and warm to me even during their hard time. Oh yeah, and class started back. Ugh.

Week of September 5- Everyone finally came back. I want to say that I did something for Labor Day, but honestly, I just can't remember. I don't really remember much about this week in general. I had a 31 gifts party. Ordered some cool new stuff. My previously schedule Knoxville trip was moved to this weekend. I just went to hang out and luckily missed the horrific game and monsoon. Did some tailgating and bar hopping. Napped a lot. It was a good time.

Week of September 12- This week was an up and down one. I gained some housemates, so that's cool. Went to dinner with some great friends and had a fabulous time. Witnessed the most AMAZING FOOTBALL GAME OF MY LIFE!! For those of you that don't know, we beat White House, my nemesis of my LIFE! It was such a great feeling to even be there. So proud of Treavor and his team for fighting the good fight and leading us to a victory that not many Greenbrier teams have seen. Whitley and the dance team danced an awesome dance during pregame. I'm totally impressed with her skills! WHO KNEW?! Whitley's got some moves! Then after the game, Aunt Deana, Christy, Allie, and I ventured east yet again to Gatlinburg where the Mother/Daughter group from our family had already gotten the party started. Mother/Daughter is an annual trip my family's female take. There are just a few criterion for Mother/Daughter attendance: You must be 18. No Men, No Kids, and No Husbands. Other than that, anything goes! We had a great time in a beautiful cabin in the mountains and at Dixie Stampede! It's nice to get to catch up with everyone, especially my cousin Jana who is closest in age to me. Good times.

Week of September 20- Wait, that's now! I'm in full-force wedding mode these days. I've spent most of my time getting ready for Nicole's shower on Sunday. I'm so excited that it's getting closer! The wedding is less than a month away now, and my weekends are devoted to wedding events. This and next weekend is various showers, then BACHELORETTE PARTY!, then luncheon and finally WEDDING TIME! Can not believe it's already time. Wow. Can't believe it.

Well, I guess that's pretty much caught up. So glad to be back to my own style!

Day 23. The Last Person You Kissed

Today is one of the days on the list that I've been dreading. I want to be lame and write about Dalton, since he just gave me some sugar before he went to bed, but I have a feeling that I'll get yelled about by a certain other blogger...so I'll be legit and do it right. UGH...

It's really kind of hard and awkward to write about this guy. I'm not gonna say his name, to protect the not-so innocent, but some of you may just know who I'm referring to. This guy came along at a good time. Jason and I had just broken up for the last time. I was just starting school again. I was kind of at a start over place in my life, and something or someone to take my mind off of all the scary and all the not so great was exactly what I needed. He was someone I knew, but didn't really, you know? We randomly started chatting, then hanging out and talking on a pretty regular basis. He became someone that I looked forward to seeing and really enjoyed talking to and sharing my life with. And me being the idiot that's always trying to make anybody "the one" got pretty invested in the situation.

He made me laugh and smile and feel great about myself. He was fun and hot and very compatible with what I wanted in a guy. We have a lot of the same views on issues that are important to me. He loves his family, but loves his independence too. He could have swooped in and saved the day...but it just didn't work out that way.

The guy was not honest about everything with me. Did he forewarn me that he was a shit head? Yes, yes he did. But then he did things to make me believe he really cared about me. He didn't turn out to be what I wanted him to, to say the least. He tried to blow it off and act like I wasn't a big deal to him and that the whole thing was nothing, but I know what happened. I remember how I felt and how he acted, and you will never convince me that he didn't feel the same to a certain extent. I truly believe that he is just scared. Scared to get serious with a girl again, scared to grow up and be committed, scared to let his guard down. So many times I've wanted to scream at him "I know you care!" but even I'm not THAT crazy. He is the first person I have given a real chance to in a really really long time, and he pretty much screwed me over. I'm not gonna lie, it hurts.

He gave me my love of firemen. He made me like to cuddle maybe a little bit :) He gave me confidence. And he helped me get through a rut when I needed to badly. But as of now, I don't know if the good he did for me outweighed the bad. To Be Announced...

Day 20. The One That Broke Your Heart the Hardest

This post is beyond redundant. I feel like I have written about this time and time again. I've never really gotten into details about what went down between Jason and I, and I'm not going to now. All that needs to be known is that I was devastated, many, many times. But I lived, and we got over it. End of Story.

Day 19. Someone That Pesters Your Mind

Man. Could I write about this for days! I'm really irritated these days on LOTS of things and by lots of people. But more than any single person, a group of people, or really a mindset of a group of people irritate me more than anyone.

I was raised to be a tolerant and accepting person. I believe that everyone has the right to live in what ever way they choose to do. I'm all for what you do in the privacy of your own home is YOUR BUSINESS!! Therefore, I really hate it when people feel like they are the boss of others. If you want to be a Muslim, or if you're gay, or if you want to wear a meat dress a la Lady Gaga, then do it to it! It's not my business, choice, or concern. Please for the love of God, do what it is that makes YOU happy.

I hate reading or hearing of people that want to impress their own opinions and beliefs on others. The BEST thing about our country is that we ALL have the right to live in the way we see fit. As long as it's not hurting another individual, JUST DO WHAT YOU WANT! And mind your own business. Seriously. It's not mine or anyone else's business!

Day 18. Someone You Wish You Could Be

Ok. So I'm just gonna list a bunch of traits that I wish I was, cause there really isn't any one person I want to be...

I want to be:

able to say NO
spontaneous
perfect
crazy fun
young forever
omniscient
compassionate
selfish
selfless
subtle
ballsy
certain
confident all the time
loved.

I know there are more. But that's all I got right now.

Day 17. Someone From Your Childhood

Yay for this day! I've been excited for this one the WHOLE TIME!

So this might be a shocker to some of my readers, but my best friend as a child was this boy Jacob. Jacob's sister, Janna, was friends with my sister. We went to church together. We went to school together, so naturally, Jacob and I were friends. He and I would spend the night at one house, while Janna and Tiffany would go to the other. And OMG we had so much fun--stop being dirty, we were children. Jacob and I would just play and play and play. Like seriously, Power Rangers, riding bikes, playing in the woods or my his all time fav-MY SIZE BARBIE!! ALL THE TIME! I loved him to death and still do.

Funny thing is, we grew up! And it was no longer appropriate for us to sleep in the same room. So 15 years ago in October (I only remember because it was when Whitley was born) was our last little sleepover fun. Jacob and I stayed friends though since we were in school together still. I cheered him on in football and basketball. We had class and shared memories and we there for each other when we needed to be. Jacob served as an excellent role model to my cousin, Treavor and now even coaches him in football at GHS. I'm so happy to have him around and so proud of all the great things he has accomplished!

Day 16. Someone That’s Not in Your State/Country

First off, I'll start by saying Hello Again! Sorry I've been sketchy on the posting, but I've been out of town and quite frankly, just lazy. Also, the past couple of days have been pretty redundant in my opinion, so if you'd like to know who those people were, read older posts and I bet you'll figure it out.

Now on to the task at hand. Someone not in my state or country. Since I don't know anyone in another country, I'm gonna go with the state business. I have a huge family that is stretched over several states, but a big portion lives in Northern Kentucky. So that means there are lots of great people in my life to write about. And that also means it's SO HARD to choose just one! But nonetheless, I can't write about everybody, so the honor goes to my cousin Danielle!

Danielle is just a few years older than me, so growing up, she had that older and much cooler vibe totally working for her. I remember-or have at least convinced myself-that she always had awesome hair. From what I recall, it was always some color that my mom would never let me have, so naturally, that put her at complete bad ass status. Crazy the things you remember as a kid.

Anyway, fast forward to now. Danielle is married to a wonderful man, Nick. They have four great kids that are all as cute as buttons and that everyone here in Tennessee love, love, LOVES! Danielle is my FB friend too. She always says something nice or encouraging and I don't think she knows how much those little things really mean. She has a voice that she wants to be heard on many of the same issues that are important to me. She is raising her kids to be tolerant, accepting, and level headed, and I find that refreshing and inspiring. All that AND she's as cute as a button.

I'm really excited to see her this weekend at our annual Mother/Daughter trip and hope to visit them very soon! Love you Danielle and all of my family out of state.

Day 13. Someone You Wish Could Forgive You

As I have said before, I don't really like leaving situations unresolved, so there isn't anyone that I can really think of that needs to forgive me for something. However, I'm my biggest critic, so I think maybe I'll write about myself.

You see, I have made a lot of not so great choices in my life. And because of those choices, I'm not really in the place in my life that I expect/intended to be at 23. I stupidly compare myself to others that are my same age but have real jobs, and degrees, and husbands. I really get down on myself because I don't have those things that are normal for someone my age. I know though that its my own fault and my own choices to blame. But still, it frustrates me.

I'm also very critical of any and everything I do. I love to cook, and know I do it well. But every recipe I try or meal I make, I find something wrong with. Same thing with my appearance. I can be looking fly, but I still notice little things-that no one else cares about- that's wrong with me. The strange thing is, I don't have a low confidence. I mean really, I love myself. But I just expect perfection, and let's be real, nothing about me is even close to perfect.

My critical nature is something I'd really like to work on. I think I need to become a go with the flow kinda girl, but for now, I'm just the same anal-retentive, perfection expecting, single college girl at age 23.

Day 12. The Person You Hate Most/Caused You A Lot of Pain

When I started this project, there were several days that I read through and dreaded. Today's post is definitely one of those days.

I don't believe that anyone should truly hate any other person. I'm one of those that thinks if you have hatred in your heart, you can never truly love. I also like resolve from situations and problems, so naturally, hate doesn't really work well with that. There is one particular person though that easily comes to ming when hatred is brought up. I am leery to discuss her, not because I don't want everyone to know (I mean seriously, I write all the time about my life-I'm not a private person), but because I'm afraid of what little reader might see it.

With that said, I will tell you that there is indeed a person that I resent and that I would be perfectly happy with never seeing, knowing, or hearing about ever, ever again. She took advantage of my family at a critical time and hurt (and continues to hurt) the people I love. If you're dying to know who/what I'm referring to, please feel free to message me and I'll be happy to share. Otherwise, in the great words of Forrest Gump, That's all I have to say about that.

Day 11.A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To

I think I pretty much already covered my topic for today in another post, so I'll spare you all that reading again. But just for kicks, I'll write another little diddy about my Aunt Linda!

(Aunt Linda is standing, also pictured is my Uncle Perry-sweet hair and beard!, Dad, Dad's sister Polly, and my great-great grandmother Polly)

My Aunt Linda passed away when I was in eighth grade. She was an outstanding lady that I am so happy to know, even if for just a little while. I would really love to talk to Aunt Linda now to hear ALL those stories I know she has to have. Aunt Linda was a débutante and was Miss Belmont back in her younger days. She taught school in California where she met my beloved Carolyne (who I'd also love to chat it up with!). I can just imagine all the things she's seen and experiences she's been through. I think as an adult, I would appreciate her even more than I did as a child.

Also, just a reminder of what I'm doing...here's the list again!

Day 10. Someone You Don’t Talk to as Much as You’d Like

I have two people to write about today! So bear with me...

Rachel and I became friends in fourth grade when we had to endure the most wretched teacher ever. We were in the same class on and off until graduation. She and I did a lot of the same activities so we naturally spent a lot of time together. We are pretty close to polar opposites, so we used to fight...a LOT. But nonetheless, we were best friends all the while.

Rachel went to school in Knoxville and I went to Clarksville. We both made new friends and new lives, but tried to stay in touch as much as we could. Rachel and I may not talk every single day or week even, and it may be months between the times that we get to spend time together. But I love Rachel because no matter how long it's been, it's like no time has passed between our chats or visits. Rachel got married in May, and I was honored to be a bridesmaid and stand beside her as she married the man of her dreams. She just started her first big girl job at Bearden High School in Knoxville as an English teacher, and I couldn't be more proud of her! I hate that I don't see her often and that we don't talk nearly enough, but I'm certainly happy to have had her in my life for almost 15 years!

I met Katie around this time last year at a Boomsday Party in Knoxville. I immediately loved her to death and thought she was beyond amazing. Fast forward to late winter time, I was looking for a Spring Break buddy and so was she! It was a match made in heaven. We set sail on the boat in March and spent a wondrous week together! Katie and I found that we had a lot in common and had a great time together. We bonded of Chelsea Handler, boys, and our love of...well, let's just leave it at that:) Since then, we've kept in touch as best we can. She also recently just started her first big girl job for Shelby County schools teaching middle school Spanish. She school has started for the both of us, we haven't had as much time to chat, and I miss her dearly. I can't wait for everything to settle down so we can be besties again!

Day 9. Someone You Wish You Could Meet

This one is kind of a hard one. But I've come up with a little something.

I love politics. I love the whole election process...the campaigning, the voting, the anticipation-ALL OF IT! I have a great respect for most any politician, simply because I know that they are under an insane amount of pressure and our country is literally weighing down on their shoulders. Which leads me to.....



Any president, past or present. I think it would be such an honor to meet the President. Like seriously, he's running this show! What an outstanding person he (or hopefully she someday) must be! Now, I'm a self-proclaimed crazy liberal. And why I don't agree with everything that some of our past presidents have done, it would still be so awesome to meet them! I mean really, how many of you have met a president??! Yeah, didn't think so. So please Mr. President(s), PICK ME!

Day 8. Your Favorite Internet Friend

I've been looking forward to this day, because my fav internet buddy is one of the main reasons I started writing this blog! Shelby has a blog of her own about her two sweet baby boys that I've come to read every single day. I've enjoyed watching her boys grow up through her picture a day plan and am so proud of her to be able to commit to such a big undertaking. Shelby and I are FBBFF (Facebook BFFs) and have come to get to know each other. Its really funny cause we are a lot alike! I've known her little bro, Mike, for ages, but am super glad to know Shelby now too! Also, we have become real life friends too! Thanks for the advice, the friendship, and those sweet babies Shelb!

Day 7. Your Ex-boyfriend

I'll begin with a disclaimer from yesterday. Not only was I too busy to post, but I also find it a little too creepster for me to write about a stranger.

Moving on.

Today. Oh, do I have plenty to write about today. It's kinda funny that this one happens on this very day, as I spent all of it with said person. Jason's grandma passed away this week, so I've been with him doing funeral stuff today.

Anywho, on to the main event. Jason and I started out as friends many, many years ago. He and I spent a lot of time together during high school since we were involved in a lot of the same activities. He also worked with my grandma and his family were friends of my family, so naturally, we were very close. Brilliant as we are, just a few weeks before he moved to Knoxville, you know, THREE HOURS AWAY, we decided then was the best time for us to try for more than just friends. Great idea, right?

Meanwhile, here we are four years later, friends again. There were lots of terrible, terrible times. Lots of hateful words and hurtful actions taken on both of our parts. But there were lots of great times too. My very favorite memory of our "together" time was pretty close to the beginning. My family has an adult Halloween party every year, and much to my sadness, Jason just couldn't make it in to come with me. He had exams or a test or something. But that Friday afternoon, as I was cleaning up my room and doing laundry, Jason walked up my stairs. I think I cried. I was so happy to see him and excited and surprised. I was lots of things. I like to remind him of these times, aka the times when he really loved me :)

As I said, we certainly have had more than our fair share of issues. I'm not going to say that I was never at fault, cause that wouldn't be true. But he was never perfect either. We went back and forth, on and off for about three and a half years. We broke up for the last time at the first of the year and I was beyond devastated. Jason was always the person that I thought I'd spend my life with. I really thought I would marry him and we would live happily ever after. So naturally, when I saw that crumbling around me, it wasn't good. We didn't speak-civilly at least-for several, several months. I was hurt, he needed time to get himself together. We just needed time apart.

During this time was really the first time in our whole debacle that I moved on. I had somewhat dated other people in break ups past, but never truly moved on. This time was different though, and I found myself wanting him less and less. I didn't want to risk getting hurt again, I didn't want to be in that situation anymore, and I didn't want to waste anymore time. So I was bound and determined to not ever be back with him again. Ever.

Well, that's where I believe fate stepped in. I literally ran into him at a bar in Knoxville in early April. I was still bitter, he was, well I don't know what he was. At any rate, we sat and talked. I cried-in the middle of a bar, embarrassing. We came to some kind of peace between us then and there. Since then, we have reverted back to the friendship we had years ago. Do we still have problems? Yes. Way too many. But we see our friendship as what it is-ugly, complicated, strong, and forever.
I've written about him before and said that a lot of people don't understand our relationship. And I get that it's very unorthodox, but it works for us, and as long as it does, that's all I care about. I could go on for days about all the fights we've had and all the break ups we've been through, but what's the point? The past has passed, and that time in our life is over. I'm just glad to have my friend again.

Day 5. Your Dreams

Professionally speaking, I have a passion for education. When I was young, I always wanted to teach. I went to college round 1 to teach high school Spanish. But as we all know, that just didn't work out. I thought my life was headed down another path. I didn't think I was cut out to be a teacher, especially since I hate school so much. I took another road that I liked for a while, but what I found out is that maybe the problem wasn't the teaching thing. Maybe it was that I needed to grow up. That's exactly what I did at the bank. And when I was better developed and ready, back to teaching I went.
I started classes full time again in January, this time to teach Math. I still hate class, but I've found that I hate my education classes a lot less than any other ones. Good sign right? I have lots of plans for when I teach. I want to be the Math teacher that makes young people see that Math isn't so bad. I want to show students that it can be fun and you can like Math and not be a weirdo. I also want to be the teacher that develops a bond with my students and makes a positive impact on them. One of my best compliments has been that I'm like one of my teachers that has now become my friend. Hopefully someday, one of my former students can feel that way about me.

As far as other dreams go, I've never really been one to dream about a husband or a house full of kids, I've always wanted success. I want to make a living doing something that I enjoy. That's where baking comes in. I love to bake. Its something I can do to express my creative side and be productive at the same time. Having my own cupcake business has been something I've toyed with for a little over a year now. I've thought about flavor combinations. Found recipes. Taste tested probably one too many cake. After some encouragement (coincidentally, from my teacher/friend I referred to before), I decide to just take the plunge. I've had a few orders since then and hope to grow my business even more. Eventually, I'd love to open a shop with cupcakes, candy, homemade ice cream, and other sweets. I want to create a place for young people to hang out and a place that kids want to come. But at the same time, I want to have a quality product that adults love too. That dream is one I am not sure of, but I really hope I can make it happen someday.

Shameless plug time! Check out my cupcake website and help me achieve my dream!

Day 4. Your Sibling(s)

Oh sister. My older sister Tiffany and I haven't always liked each other very much. I'm just gonna skip that part though and go straight to us being bff, like we are now. About three or four years ago, something just clicked. I like to think that she finally decided that she wasn't my mom, but at any rate it worked. I've really come to get to know Tiffany in a different way and I'm so happy because of it. I guess since she got married, we have grown closer. Especially since she started trying to have a baby. I remember worrying for her and hoping for her, and then finally (with a little birthday magic!) she was pregnant and I was delighted. For the first time really, I was protective of my sister. I wanted to make sure she was feeling well, that she had the things she needed, etc. The pinnacle of my protectiveness came at a Predators game, when I realized that if a puck came over the nets, I would have to shield her with my body. And I would have. Since Dalton has been around, I feel like we just keep getting closer and closer. We take a Zumba class together on Monday, and it's something I look forward to all week long. I'm so glad that I not only love my sister now, but I like her too.

Abby Fisher came along when I was in eighth grade. It was a big enough age difference that I was more than delighted for her arrival. Her unfortunate mother left us all high and dry, and I got to spend a lot of time with Abby because of it. Abby was the first person that I can really recall loving unconditionally. At the ripe ole age of 14, I could take or leave my parents, but Abby was another story. I can remember episodes with her mom when we were unsure of Abby's safety or whereabouts and I was absolutely terrified. I would have given anything to insure that she was ok. She got to live a life most little girls aren't privied to. She had lots of friends (my friends) that came around to hang out and loved her to pieces. She went to prom, complete with a bouquet of her own, on her 4th birthday. She got to go and do things with her older sisters and be a big kid for most of her little life. Now, Abby is in the fourth grade, in my best friend's class. She's a pro at being a flower girl. And an excellent aunt to Dalton. I love her to death and am so happy to have her in my life!



Here's a link to the list, if anyone needs a reminder. :)

Day 3. Your Parents

This one could be pretty long since I have approximately 1879689734 parents. Ok, not really. My Mom and Dad divorced when I was 12, much to mine and my sister's relief. Both are remarried, or re-remarried...At any rate, I have four awesome parents to help me along the way.

My Mom and I usually don't see eye to eye. We are pretty much polar opposites, and because of that, we've had our ups and downs. But thankfully, as I've gotten older, we have grown closer and have grown to appreciate each other's differences. She is probably the most successful person I know. She started at the bottom of a company, and with lots of hard work, she has worked her way to the top. I'm really proud of her. She's always given me love, whether it be tough love or otherwise, and I really appreciate everything she's done for me and my sister.

Oh Daddy. My Dad and I are a lot alike (hence the issue with my mom perhaps? haha). He knows I'm a free spirit and that I'm a little flighty, but has always just let me be who I am. Daddy has a little problem with tough times. Anytime something bad happens, all Dad knows to do is cook, call you a bajillion times, and tell you he loves you repeatedly. It's really helpful, actually, cause it's good for a laugh. Daddy always loved when friends would come over, a natural born hostess he was. He has prepared many meals for a large amount of the younger population of Robertson County, and has loved every minute of it. Thanks to Daddy for always sticking by me, even when I wasn't making the best choices.

I have two bonus parents, Jim and Brenda. Each have been more than supportive of me and my family. Jim has always treated us as if we were his natural born children. Not once has he referred to me or our family as step anything, always his daughter. I don't think he knows how much that means to me. Brenda, God bless her, had some terrible shoes to fill. She came along right after wife number two, which I will spare you my angry words about, and I can only imagine that maybe we were a little cold at first. But we've grown to know she isn't a maniac and things have been just fine since then!

Thanks to all my parents for being more than amazing to me!

Day 2. Your Crush

I could probably go on for days on this post. I'm a perpetually single girl with absolutely no balls to make any moves on any guy I've ever been interested in. So this crush business? I've got it down pat. Am I probably a little old to have these schoolgirl crushes? Yes. Does it happen anyway? Why, YES!

My current crush is a friend. So I'm not gonna be a creeper and write about him. Instead, I'll share about my old boo, Chase. I worked at Regions Bank in Hendersonville for three years. That's where I met and got to know Chase. He was a great customer that came in almost every morning for some C & C--coffee and conversation. Chase is such a sweetheart and as funny as can be. We got to know each other pretty well during the time, and I developed quite the little crush on him. During this time, we both were seeing someone on and off and often times talked about those people. He is now marrying his someone and I couldn't be happier for him. When I say couldn't be happier, I really mean that I was crushed to hear the news. JK JK haha!

I miss getting to chat it up with Chase and see him on a regular basis. I've forgotten his account number, which of course I had memorized as his personal banker! Best of luck to Chase and Sorelle!

Day 1. Your Best Friend

This should come as no surprise since I've written about her many times before. And it's kind of funny that this post is coming at this time of year. Five years ago, Nicole and I moved into Sevier Hall on Austin Peay's campus knowing of each other, but certainly not knowing each other or being friends. But what I like to think of as fate stepped in and here we are today.

Nicole is one of the most loyal friends I've ever had. She has been there for me during some of the most horrible times in my life. But we have also had more fun than anyone I can think of. She and I have just enough in common to be able to appreciate each other and do things together, but we are enough different to compliment each other's best qualities.

I'm so proud of Nicole's career. She is teaching for her second year at GES and doing an excellent job. She is planning what will be a BEAUTIFUL wedding that I am so excited to be a part of. And somebody, she will have me a precious little baby to spoil and send back home--hopefully not for a while though!

Thanks to my boo, my poopie, and my best friend, Nicole. You're the best!

A Post A Day...

So I've seen this on some other blogs I follow and figure I could try too. Here's the list and here we go!

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Shane.

I've been thinking a lot about Shane lately. I guess it's getting to be that time of year again, so it's just looming on my mind. I've been anticipating a post for the anniversary of his death. I imagine that it will be eloquent and say all the right things, and I will feel relieved after it is written. But the closer it gets, the less sensible words I can come up with, so I'm gonna go ahead and write it now. It's gonna be raw and emotional and probably not anything anyone else will want to read or be able to understand, but here goes...

I can remember that day like it was yesterday. I was in Clarksville at a wedding shower in the ADPi house, visiting with friends, feeling as if all was right with the world. You see, I had been to visit Shane the day before and he was looking better than he had in the time he was at the hospital. They were sure that the worst was over, since he had made it through something most no one else survives. So I felt confident that I could go and do my own thing for a few hours, then head straight to the hospital afterwards, but I was wrong. I remember looking at my phone that had been in my purse during the party and seeing that mom had called and left a voicemail. Also, Dad had called. As I was listening to the voicemail standing in the kitchen next to Nicole, I noticed that Dad was calling her now. I immediately knew that something was wrong and started to panic. God Bless Nicole. The poor thing had to deliver the bad news to me and then deal with me as I waited for Daddy to come pick me up to get to the hospital where the rest of my family was waiting. This kind of news is something a best friend should never have to share, but she did and was there for me as I cried and I'll never forget her for that.

The ride from Clarksville to St. Thomas seemed to go by in a flash. I just sat there, stunned, and waiting for reality to set in. The hospital was a blur. I remember being there, seeing him or what was left of him, and wanting a cigarette like I wanted my life--this last desire continued until after we buried him. We finally went home to Aunt Deana and his house where we were greeted by an outpouring of supportive friends and community members. Lots of kids came to be there for Treavor and Whitley. I remember booking Josh's plane home from Cleveland and wishing he could be there sooner. And that's about it for that day. I'm sure there was a lot more to it, but that's all I got.

Monday held shopping for Treavor and I. Thank God for Cynthia Elder, who found the two of us staring into a wall full of men's shirts, neither knowing how the heck to choose. She helped us find the right one, then pants, and of course shared a sweet word with us like she always does. We made a few other stops, then I guess we headed home. I don't really remember much else from that day though. While Treav and I were gone, they made the arrangements I guess. We'd be there Tuesday pretty much all day and the funeral on Wednesday. I guess it was on this day that Aunt Deana asked me to sing at the funeral. I wish now more than anything that I could/would have done it. Shane did so much for me, singing a hymn at the funeral was the least I could do for him. But I couldn't do it, I decided to read instead.

From the time word got out on Sunday until weeks after we buried him, our family received so many nice words about Shane. He ran a website about Greenbrier football, and there was an outpouring of sympathy and prayers and everything you could imagine from members of our community and so many others. I think this is a true testament to the man that he was. Somebody that really touched so many.

Tuesday came and went. We spent a lot of the day at the funeral home, or so it seemed. Josh finally made it in, trademark black eye and all, and it was the first time we could all be together as a complete family. That was the only thing I wanted then. My whole family. Right there with us. If we could have all slept in the same room, all gazillion of us, I would have been just fine with that. It was like I didn't want to let any of them out of my sight cause I was afraid I would miss something with them like I had with Shane.

D-Day was finally upon us on Wednesday. With the help of Buddy the Elf and certainly the watching hand of Shane and God, I said a few things and read some particularly nice posts we found on various websites. Anyone that knows me knows that I've never had any trouble speaking--about anything. But I was really beyond nervous to speak then. I wanted to convey the love I had for Shane without being a mess standing in front of hundreds of people. It was a little shaky at first, but I made it through and am so glad I got that chance. The grave side was probably the worst part for me. Up until then, Shane was still "there" meaning, I could still look at him. I could see his face and put Buddy in his pocket and pretend he was still there. Putting him in the ground, though, meant that it was really over. That it was all really happening and that pretty soon he would really, really be gone. Ugh. It was absolutely terrible.

Like I said at the service, Shane was the best man. He took an interest in so many kids that he didn't have to, including me. I was 18 when he and my aunt started dating. Most men wouldn't take in some 18 year old kid to go on date nights and spend every Friday night with and take on trips or to concerts or do any of the things he did with me. But Shane did, like it was natural, like it was the only normal thing to do. And for that I'll always love him. He was good to me, good to my family, and good to my aunt. I find myself thinking that Shane would love that or that I sure do wish he was here for this. I know that he hates missing all these times as much as we miss him here.

Anyway, that's that. I hope it's somewhat readable and understandable. If it's not, the main point is that I miss him. I love him. And I wish he was still here.

I'm Alive, I Promise.

Where do I begin?!

Since I last blogged, a LOT has happened. I also have some other updates that I haven't been writing about, so bear with me. This might be a long one.

So Ross left us. Sad day there. Last Wednesday, I had Ross and his family along with some of my family over for a little farewell dinner. Which was delicious, if I do say so myself. Aside from the excellent meal, we had a really nice time visiting with each other's families (which, really, is just one big chosen family). He got a few little last minute gifts, including this picture in a frame and an umbrella with a little note from me saying "These are two things that you don't realize you need until you don't have them." I remember moving to school, and even though I was only 45 minutes away, I missed my family. Don't get me wrong, I had a GREAT time, but it was still sad. I hope that Ross loves every minute of his time in Knoxville, but I also hope that he always remembers where his family is! I'm going to Knoxville for Labor Day Weekend, and I cannot wait to see him!!

Along the same lines (kinda), I've been cooking a lot lately. I've cooked dinner for my parents and for friends for the past two weeks, and I have to say, I really have enjoyed it. I've been trying different recipes, all from the Weight Watchers website. Some have been delicious and some have been ok. Either way, I like being able to contribute and help out. So I think it's something that I'll continue with.

CLASS IS OVER!!! WOOHOO!! I finished up summer classes on Friday. Thank the good Lord. So I am officially on summer break--for two weeks. I know it's short, but I'm trying to make the most of it. So far I've vacationed, cleaned my room a little (a very little), started redecorating my bathroom, and relaxed. It's been very nice, and I really wish it could last longer!!

Vacation. Yes. My family left for Tybee Island last Wednesday, but since I had to finish up summer class, I flew down to meet them on Friday afternoon. First off, let me just say I love traveling alone. It was really nice to just get to have some alone time to think about stuff, to read, and to people watch and drink in the airport. Yes, that's right, drink. Look, don't judge me. My official summer had just begun. So of course I had a few cocktails, or four, on the way to Tybee. What the heck else was I supposed to do on vacation!? At any rate, I arrived in Savannah around 7 Friday evening, and the fun began! We went to dinner and had a WONDERFUL meal.Played cards and had family time on Friday evening. We woke up (really freaking early I might add) on Saturday morning to a tasty breakfast and made ready for family photo time on the beach. This was the first time we've made pictures as a fam since Dalton was born. I think they turned out really well and we had a great time taking them. Also, during this time, we learned that Jeremy has another calling in life as a photographer. hahaha. After photos were over, it was beach time! Not sure how many people have been to Tybee Island. It was a beautiful beach, but the water is, well, it's dirty looking. When I say dirty, I don't mean that there was actually stuff in it, but I couldn't see my feet. Therefore, I did most of my beach chillin' on the sand. I took a lovely and much needed nap. Dug in the sand a little bit with Dalton. People watched and lusted after a group of Georgia Hotties. Overall, it was a good time.We had another delicious meal, did some sight seeing on Sunday morning in Savannah--fell in love with Savannah and began planning my destination wedding there IMMEDIATELY!--and headed back to good ole Tennessee. It was really kind of odd. I think it's the first long term road trip that I've taken with my sister that was completely pleasant. What a nice change of pace!

In other news, I posted like a month ago about my weight loss journey. So far, it's going alright. As of today, I've lost about six pounds. Not an overwhelming amount, but good enough since I vacationed AND had exams during that time. I've been cooking as I said earlier, and I think that is really gonna help expedite the process since I'm not eating out as much. Also, the whole not eating out thing is helping my wallet get fatter! Who knew! I've been doing Zumba/PiYo on Monday nights with Sister and Allison. It's a nice workout and nice bonding time for us!

Well, I think that's just about everything. I also think you all are probably tired of reading this dang book. Sorry for the hiatus!

But I won't like it...

You know how sometimes you have to do stuff that you really just don't want to? Well it seems like that's a recurring theme in my life these days.

School is and forever will be a burden. I hate every single minute of going to class, and really more than anything in the world would just like to start my career and get on with my life. I hate feeling this way, because I know I have my whole life to work, but dang! Let's get this party started already!

There are other, more personal things, that I've come to realize I must handle in ways that I don't necessarily want to. Ever feel like that? You want to do something but know you NEED to do something else? Totally sucks. But in the proverbial end, I know it will pay off and that I'm making the right choice.

Sometimes, I wish I would be shown that I was wrong for doing what I need to do instead of what I want to, especially in this instance. Second guessing is not something I like doing, but IS something I find myself doing with every major decision I make. I hope that this is normal and have an inkling that it is. But there's always that chance.

So for now, I'll do it. But I certainly won't like it.